You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Blog Post is About You

So this guy is acting weird and secretive towards everyone in the street not living next door to him. Anyone who parks an inch over 'his' wall, he calls the cops. He does this quite often to varying neighbors, not just us. He had even called the cops and an ambulance over to my place because a 53 year old man named "Nigel" had apparently committed suicide in his bathtub. What was worrying about this, was that my father is named Nigel, is 53 and was in his bathtub at the time. We didn't find out it was him, though we're fairly certain it was because the malicious cop-calling is him. It had happened more than once and started about the time he moved in.

The next day, we walk out to our car and find it's covered in seagull droppings. Seriously. It's pretty gross. Same for most others in my part of the street. It's a power play. One thing's for sure, he thinks he's on a power play, but we haven't even started the slashing, boarding and high sticking, though we're fighting, so if he's on the power play, then so are we. Sorry, getting into hockey penalties here now.

But speaking of hockey penalties, my mother became third man in when the pathetic little man was talking with the neighbour at number 15. The man then began circling my mother's car and my mother noticing this, opened the window and yelled out of it:
"Is there a problem with my car?"
He yelled back "Yeah, love, you're blocking me in" pointing at the car which was around three inches over his wall.
My mother yelled "Don't you "love" me, you don't even know me! Now listen here, I've lived here for a quarter of a century. We had a nice peaceful neighbourhood here, before you moved in..."
And the neighbour at 15 shouted at him "Yeah! You're a nob!"

Shortly after that, his wife started taking photos of our cars and their number plates, which I'm pretty sure is illegal.

Every Breath We Take and Every Move We Make, He'll Be Watching Us

Like I said in the last post, I'm pretty sure he's illegally taking photos of our cars and their number plates. I mean, what sane and rational thinking person does this?

I took the photo because, you know, that's my damn property.

But from here, it only gets worse. He puts up a CCTV camera that is illegally pointed at my house, number 19 and number 15. Reported it to the cops and they do nothing about it. For one whole day it was pointing exclusively at my house. It was scary and stalky and we totally couldn't go out because he was watching us. He's gone from being a little bit odd, to being a Nazi, Big Brother stalker who leaves notes on people's cars. Hmm.

He's just such a joy to live around.

Low Lie the Fields of Kryptonite

The pathetic man's getting creepier. He's inviting his neighbour kids inside his house and offering to pump up the tyres on their bikes... I saw it on my way to work. He's still being very horrible to us. It's probably that they're his next door neighbours and we're the over the road nuisances that park an inch over his driveway "blocking him in".

Except that next week, as I'm playing my banjo (Fields of Athenry, repeatedly, but have you heard that song? It's just great!), I see the wife going out with that Yorkie dog and taking it down to the hotel down the road from me again. The man hates the song, as he was painting his garage door and when I was playing I'm Shipping Up to Boston, State of Massachusetts, Time to Go, Johnny, I Hardly Knew Ye, Eye of the Tiger (I know how to play music! It's a frigging banjo, not a fiddle!) and others, he didn't seem to mind. But Fields of Athenry? Man, that set him off quicker than a bad cook's smoke alarm. Bingo. I've found his Kryptonite.

As I carried on playing, he kept staring at me, sitting on my OWN wall, playing my OWN banjo. He hates that song. Time to use it against him.

That Awkward Moment When...

It's March by now and hate is still bubbling inside for this guy, who's filling us with rage. As if the spotlight, the motorcycle and the notes weren't enough of a wind up, he decides he's bored of taking his Yorkie dog wherever it was he took it and takes it down to the hotel down the road from us and let's it fowl near there-or to be more specific, the wife does. And no, she doesn't clean up after it.

Yes, they're still leaving notes on people's cars and by now people are parking an inch in front of their four car driveway deliberately. One neighbour told me she can't park properly sometimes because of her arthritis and so to save a painful experience parallel parking, she parked slightly in front of his driveway, but reversed as far back as she could go. I saw her park that day, in NO WAY did she block him in. But he had other ideas. Yep. He left a note on her car. Apparently he approached her once as well, to tell her not to block him in. She tried 'nicely' (because he's an ignorant little man) to tell him she wasn't blocking him in and it turned into a shouting match.

Just like that, war is waged and we realise these pathetic people need to be taken down.

I Hate This Guy More Than A-Rod

By now it’s February and none of us are sleeping particularly well. We’re angry at that guy and his spotlight. We’re wondering what he could do that could tick us off even more. If only he could get new windows installed…

Oh wait! He does! The work is constant over the week and weekend. He installs-in total-three or four windows at the front, a new door and windows at the back. You can hear drilling waking you up at 7 in the morning. On weekends.

But it doesn’t stop there. Oh no. He buys a motorbike with lots of mirrors and he leaves it rev-rev-rev-rev-revving for hours and hours at the weekends while he cleans it. I’m no motorbike expert, but I’m pretty sure you don’t need to leave your motorbike on while you clean it. I'm also pretty sure that it is like wasting the battery or petrol or whatever. And it's quite constant. It happens for around 4 hours at a time on Saturdays. I used to enjoy waking up on Saturdays to Ken Casey of the Dropkick Murphys screaming "Thank God it's Saturday/When half my problems go away/Sure the big one's on the way/But I know how to handle that" because I used to relate to that. Now all that's changed.

It's changed to the point that I wake up to the sound of a motorbike revving and half my problems actually go away on the weekdays and come on the weekends. I dread weekends. And Mondays are my day off from college as well. Don't even get me started on the holidays either. February half term, Easter, Whitsun, bank holidays... All days where I have to deal with my neighbour across the road.

That's Me in the Spotlight

Not long after leaving these notes on people’s cars, this man had a motion sensor spotlight installed. Bear in mind, this is still January and it’s dark at like 5pm. So every time a cat fights, a car passes or an alcoholic staggers home from the pub, drunk, it flashes on and makes midnight look like midday in mine, number 19’s and number 15’s front windows.

It’s annoying when you’re trying to watch Breaking Bad in peace. Or maybe you’ve fallen asleep in front of the TV. Or even are trying to sleep in your front bedroom, you get disturbed. I don’t think the lady at 19, my father or the gentleman and lady at 15 have had a decent night’s sleep since late January.

Two Weeks

Easter vacation. Associated with eggs, bunnies and annoying notes on your windscreen. Yep. He’s still doing this. Upon me telling my cousin and banjo teacher about him when he came out to put a note on someone’s windscreen, my cousin realised that it was this pathetic little man who put a note on his windscreen back in January.

It was at this moment, the man across the street never realised he made a powerful enemy in my mother. Oh, she never gives up without a fight. So she parks slightly in front of their driveway. Nobody messes with my family and gets away with it.

But oh no, they don’t even park on their driveway any more. They’re now resorting to parking by the two small stretches of wall that allows them that massive driveway. I’m beginning to think that it’s not a petty land issue and it’s more of a… Being spiteful kind of issue.

My same neighbour with arthritis has young twins and because of these people’s spiteful and vindictive behaviour, she has nowhere to park near home. She told us that her heart sinks after a long day at work (she’s a shop manager) and she comes home and sees his two cars parked outside their driveway with nowhere to park for any of us.

This man is making it very difficult for me to want to stay at home. I feel it more for my neighbour, she’s being bullied relentlessly by this pathetic man